We're Both Laughing as We Drown
by icanbeperfectforyou
Summary: "There has to be some sign/that now's the time/for both of us to go and find a new love/you go find yours and I'll go find mine." AU oneshot thing. Jason/Peter. Lyrics from "Circus" by 5j Barrow.


"What the _fuck _was that?" Peter yelled, slamming the apartment door behind him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jason threw his hands up, knowing exactly what Peter was talking about, but not wanting to argue.

"Oh please," Peter rolled his eyes. "Because taking the waitress's _phone number _in front of me, oh yeah, I'm your boyfriend, that's a normal thing to do."

"I wasn't going to call her or anything-" Jason attempted weakly before being cut off.

"Of course you weren't going to fucking call her," Peter muttered. "I don't know, Jason. Maybe the fact that you were on a date with your _boyfriend _didn't cross your mind? Or do I just mean nothing to you? Because last time I checked, when you love someone, you don't go around letting girls flirt with you and give you their number!"

Jason had never seen Peter this mad before, but he still figured it was worth a try to use his normal moves he used whenever they fought. "I'm sorry, okay? Look," he took out the slip of paper her number was on and ripped it up into tiny pieces. "Now can we stop fighting?" He moved in to place his hands on Peter's shoulders and smiled softly at him.

But Peter shoved him away. "That's not enough, Jason. Do you really think this is just about that waitress?"

Jason cringed, feeling like there was no right answer. "Um...yes?"

"Oh my god," Peter rolled his eyes. "No, Jason. This has been going on for years. The fact is you are _twenty-fucking-two_, we live in fucking New York City, and you're still afraid to hold my hand outside of the apartment!" He glared at Jason, his voice steadily rising. "This isn't St. Cecilia's. You are not the perfect, popular, straight A sports star anymore. You can't hide in our dorm room. This is the real world, and you need to grow up."

"I'm trying, okay?" Jason said desperately. "This is all so new to me, and I'm confused, but I'm trying, honestly."

"Newsflash, Jason? The world doesn't revolve around you. I know, take some time to adjust, but it's true. This isn't a new development. We have these kinds of arguments at least once a week. And I am sick of it," Peter paused, looking like he had just realized something. "I'm sick of it," he repeated softly.

"Peter..." Jason tried as Peter shoved past him, walking into their room. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sick of this, I'm sick of trying, and I'm sick of _you_," Peter said, grabbing a bag and starting to shove his clothes into it.

Jason started to panic. "Peter, what are you doing?" He repeated. "Don't go, please, I'm sorry about everything, we can fix this, I'm sorry," he tried grabbing Peter's hand but he jerked it away.

"It's too late, Jason. I'm sorry too," Peter grabbed his bag, hesitating for a brief moment. "I'll see you around. Or, like, not," he checked to make sure he had everything, and without looking at Jason's tear-stained face, turned and left.

The next morning, Jason woke up to an empty bed. "Peter, get your ass back in bed," he mumbled sleepily, slowly sitting up. Then he remembered that Peter was gone. He glanced at the clock. 11:30 AM. He hadn't fallen asleep until some time around four, and he picked up his phone to call Peter. He didn't expect him to answer, and he wasn't surprised when it went to voice mail. "Peter, please. I'm so sorry. Please come back home, I miss you, we can work this out, we can fix this, please," he ended it before he started crying too hard.

Jason stared blankly at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do. Picking up his phone again, he decided to call Lucas. He was Peter's best friend and Jason figured he might know something about where he was. "Lucas?"

"Jason, my man!" Lucas sounded excited, which Jason hoped was a good sign.

"Lucas, listen. Have you seen Peter?" Jason felt stupid when his voice cracked. "He, um. He left last night and he won't answer my calls, and I just, I miss him, and I'm worried about him, okay?"

"Uh, well," Lucas paused and there were muffled sounds, like the phone was being covered. It was like that for about a minute until he heard Lucas's voice again, clearer. "Peter says to tell you he's not here and that I don't know where he is. Wait, shit."

Jason could practically hear Peter roll his eyes as he muttered "Give me that," and took the phone from Lucas. "Jason. Stop calling me. I'm sorry, but I'm done. We're over."

"Just give me a chance," Jason begged. "Anything. I'm sorry. I l-"

"Give it up, Jason," Peter cut him off, but there was something in his voice, as if he was holding back tears. "Don't call me anymore. I-I'll send Lucas to pick up my stuff. I'm sorry,"

"Peter, wait," but it was too late, Peter had hung up. Jason flopped back onto his bed, the bed that had once been his and Peter's. Closing his eyes, he decided that today he wasn't going to get out of bed. Clutching Peter's pillow to him, he cried, knowing he lost the one thing that really mattered to him.

* * *

The months went by and Jason heard nothing from Peter. He still hung out with Lucas frequently, but Lucas kept his mouth shut on what Peter was up to, and Jason figured he probably was the same when Lucas hung out with Peter. It was weird, but it was almost better to not know where Peter was or what he was doing. But at the same time it was horrible.

Lucas tried to set Jason up on dates (with other boys; he wasn't going to go into hiding again) but none of them ever made it past the first one. There was nothing wrong with them. They just weren't Peter. His therapist tried to help, but nothing worked. Peter had been so much of Jason and it was cliche, but he really hadn't known what he had until it was gone.

But Jason still tried to act normal. He went to Central Park with Lucas and they would sit and talk and maybe toss around a football or something. On a bright, sunny day, Jason was sitting on a blanket with Lucas, laughing at some stupid joke he had made, and generally feeling pretty good. Lucas said something about all the couples that were out, and Jason agreed, laughing more and looking around, until he spotted something that made him freeze.

That wasn't Peter. It couldn't have been. It was just someone who happened to look exactly like Peter, and wore Peter's shirt, the one that Jason loved because it made him look amazing, and he just happened to be holding the hand of a mildly attractive guy (and on a shallow note, Jason knew he was much more attractive than whatever that was standing far too close to Peter), but Jason's breath caught anyway.

"Dude, what are you..." Lucas followed Jason's gaze. "Oh yeah, that's Peter's new boyfriend. Scott or Simon or something. They seem really happy," he paused. "I shouldn't have said that."

But it didn't matter because Scott-Simon-Something was kissing Peter, and they were really getting into it. Jason wanted to laugh, because _really_? Jason wasn't that tacky, as to be passionately making out with someone in public, because really, no one wanted to see that. Especially Jason. And he realized the irony of the whole situation, briefly thinking that he would passionately make out with Peter in public. Anything to get him back.

"Hey, Peter! Peter!" Lucas called, waving. Jason shoved him as Peter pulled away from the kiss, grinning over at Lucas. His smile faded when he realized Jason was there too. Jason attempted a weak smile and a wave as Peter gripped Scott-Simon-Something's hand and pulled him towards Lucas and Jason.

Jason simultaneously wanted to run far away, punch whoever had the nerve to kiss Peter in front of him, and break down into tears and beg Peter for forgiveness. He did none of the above as the couple sat down on the blanket, Jason subconsciously making the decision to scoot away slightly.

Peter rolled his eyes, and Jason briefly wondered if this was even real, because it had been so long since he had seen just that simple gesture, and he missed it so badly. "He's my boyfriend, he's not diseased or anything," he snapped.

Jason let out a noise that sounded like a mixture of a sob and laughter (and honestly, he wasn't quite sure himself), his shoulders shaking. Peter and his _boyfriend _shared a strange glance. "What?" Peter frowned.

Jason shook his head, trying to calm down. "We haven't spoken for eight months," he spluttered. "And this is the first thing you've said to me since we broke up," he wiped at his eyes, laughing hysterically, even though it wasn't really that funny.

Peter almost looked like he wanted to smile, but he didn't. "Um, this is my boyfriend, Scott," he motioned to him. Scott looked mightily uncomfortable, and Jason calmed down enough to want to punch him in the face. He decided against it, but not for Scott's benefit. On the list of things that would make Peter come back to him, starting a fight with his boyfriend was probably not on that list. _Besides_, Jason thought as he looked Scott over. _I could kick his ass anyway_. And knowing that comforted him.

"_So _lovely to meet you, Scott," Jason said with a large fake smile, shaking Scott's hand. Scott still looked very confused and uncomfortable, which pleased Jason. "You seem awfully happy together," he shot Peter a look.

"Yeah, some guys actually want to be with their boyfriends in public. Isn't that weird?" Peter glared at Jason, who felt himself falter and began to feel like the begging on his knees idea would be a good thing to implement now.

"Um, does anyone want to go get some pizza, or..." Lucas tried, but trailed off, looking between Peter and Jason.

"I'm sorry," Jason whispered, his voice cracking.

Lucas shot up. "Okay, Simon, let's go over to that big rock!" He grabbed Scott's wrist before he could say anything else, weakly protesting "it's Scott".

"Lucas has great timing," Peter said, not looking at Jason.

"Peter, I am so, so sorry," Jason begged. "I love you so much, and the past eight months and three days have been so bad, and I'm trying to get over you and I go on dates but no one is you, Peter, and my therapist is trying to help me but nothing is working because I don't want anyone else. Just you and I, forever, remember?" He smiled weakly, taking Peter's hands. "I swear, I will never, ever hurt you again," he paused. "Please say something so I stop feeling so stupid."

"Jason," Peter pulled his hands away. "I'm with Scott now. And he treats me like I want to be treated, and he's not afraid to be with me in public. I'm really sorry, Jason, but I can't go back to that. I just-I can't," he looked away, standing up.

"Okay," Jason said quietly. Peter looked at him again.

"Okay?" Peter repeated.

Jason nodded. "Yeah, I mean, I get it. I kind of suck at being a boyfriend. No, wait. I definitely suck at being a boyfriend. So I get it. I'm sorry about everything I've done to hurt you. I won't try to contact you again."

Peter bit his lip. "I-I'll see you around?"

"You probably won't," Jason looked down at the ground and didn't say anything else, just listened to Peter's footsteps get quieter and quieter as he let him get away once again.

* * *

A month or so later, Jason was lounging on his couch in his apartment, boredly flipping through the channels, when someone knocked on his door. "Door's open, Lucas," he called, sitting up and turning off the TV.

"It's not Lucas," a small voice replied, and Jason rushed to open the door, immediately knowing who it was.

"What are you doing here?" Jason regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.

"I just wanted to talk to you," Peter looked down. "I could, um, leave-"

"No, come in," Jason moved aside and Peter walked in and took a seat on the couch.

"It's kind of weird being in here," Peter laughed nervously as Jason sat down too, but as far from Peter as he could on the tiny couch.

"I think I know what you mean," Jason agreed.

Peter looked up at him with a strange expression. "I left Scott. He was great, and I loved him, but I don't know. I needed him for that period in my life, but I guess I've moved on, is what I'm trying to say. He helped me figure some things out."

"And what would that be?" Jason asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"That I'm in love with you still," Peter said simply. Jason opened his mouth to say something and closed it.

"That's a good thing to know," he managed to get out, all flustered. A tiny smile appeared on Peter's face.

"You're so cute when you're nervous," Peter moved closer to Jason.

"I'm not nervous," Jason said quickly, even though he felt his face turn red. Peter took Jason's hand and smiled more.

"I'm not going to crawl back into your arms or anything, and I don't want to pretend like all those fights we had never happened. We need to talk things out, but I really," Peter took in a deep breath. "I really do want to be with just you, no matter what."

Jason grinned back and also felt like crying. "Forever you and I," he promised, intertwining their fingers. "I can talk to my therapist about us more."

"I love you," was Peter's reply. Jason didn't say anything, just kissed him.

"I love you too," he said finally after they pulled apart. He stood up, bringing Peter with him. "Come on, I'm taking you out right now so I can show the world what an amazing boyfriend I have."

Peter grinned widely. "You're the best."

Jason flashed his usual cocky smirk. "I know."

And finally, things were back to normal.


End file.
